1998 May 23

Had a haircut at Pm's and it seemed we were both quite enthusiastic about it which had not happened for a while.

Had a nap in the afternoon and right before I woke up I dreamt of myself getting off at a bus stop struggling with getting the right amount of fare while the bus driver was very understanding. I got off and found F. looking fairer than before . I was surprised to see him and he said he especially traveled all the way from his home to come see me. I was moved. Then I woke up. According to my book of dream interpretations, it's a prediction of happy social times.
Had to fight my sleepiness before I left the house to Industry for DJ Disciples. The music was typical NYC with lots of variations and noise-like sounds. But the main event was A.D. with his long hair, a tan, rings in almost all fingers and a very slim silhouette. He seemed to know quite a few people and was moving from one spot to another. With all these people coming and going, we lost him. Then I decided we should seek him out. We walked round the back lounge area but could not see him. Then we stood by the counter for a few minutes. Then P. suggested we go to the other lounge area. I said we should start from the back. P. said we'd already checked that area but I was unusually firm (come to think of it now) and said that we should start from the back again and if we didn't see him this time, we'd leave. There he was in front of the women's washroom. He reacted strongly. He said he just talked about us a few days ago and that it must be karma. Said he had a band, been to Spain, Ibiza. After chatting for a while we went our separate ways but bumped into each other again on the dance floor. We danced close to each other but he always danced too close to the front of the amplifier. The noise level was quite intolerable and at one point I just wanted to get out of there. This seemed like deja vu --- He continued to be himself while we continued to be ourselves.

As we were on the dance floor, I wish we could communicate in a different way. There were so many things to say but hadn't been said, I hadn't even mentioned Irvine Welsh. And we wouldn't be bothered to ask each other our phone nos. Yes we were connected by the music and all the respect we had for him for having brought rave to our shore but that night, he was not quite there with us. He was, as he had always been, completely in the music and the zeitgeist of the moment. I noticed his knees were wobbly.

When in bed, I just wish M. was next to me and made love to me.

Why are relationships so existential these days?